Never Stop Believing

Two posts in one week and in one day? Something must be wrong with me..............


I made up my mind about leaving, but I'm just starting to feel guilty. I know that I have too, but I'm a procrastinator.

Packing up boxes is not an alluring chore for me to look forward too, but either is going to work. And I have to work and move and start school in the 4 days. I'll never get it done, but I guess I'll just be moving for the next couple of weeks.

I feel better like a weight has been lifted a little. I know he's not happy, but things could've ended up way differently.

I'm still a believer, but I have my doubts. Thoughts of complete independence still possess me, but I guess I'll have to see how I feel after a couple of months.

Need another vacation.

Sunshine, Vacations, and Friends are Good for the Soul

Small vacations are nice, even if it's only two hours away. Friends are great when you know you can always rely on and Sunshine is always a good thing.

Making some moves in the next couple of weeks and hoping they change my frame of mind. Going crazy and trying not to come undone. Only a week until school starts again. This is five quarters in a row and I'm getting burnt out. Taking the summer off hopefully will do me some good.

Note to Self

Alcohol + Attitude = Drunk Meghan For a Few Hours :)

Sam was back with a vengance last night......Gotta love those alternate personalities that come out when I drink

Seeings exs is ok sometimes and some how suprisingly handled it well. But then again maybe that's because I saw him and talked to him.

Done Analyzing myself for the eveing. Off to the blissful sleepiness of Thera-Flu.

They're coming to take me away ha ha he he ho ho

One of those days.
One of those months.
One of those years.
One of those lifetimes.

I'm never going to fully recover. Recover from what I'll never completely understand.

Why do I go from having all the gusto in the world to being the laziest bum that hangs around for two days in a row without taking a shower?

Why do I have all this anxiety about the future and why am I still trying to fight being alone?

I love him but this yearning to be independent just seeps out of my pores, but all the anxiety about hurt feelings won't go away. I feel like I am lost within myself, the real me trying to scream out behind this body I happen to inhibit.

I am a co-dependent, that's one of the problems, and I hate the thought of being alone, but it's something I feel like I have to do in order to cure these feelings of insecurity and anxiety. I can't depend on someone to do everything for me. I need to depend on me and me alone to get through this myself.

That's me. Crazy as a shithouse rat, or something like that.

So long.
Farewell.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
To you and you and you.

Congratulations Universe. You Win.

Oh, the ole' once a month post. I'm really not doing better at this, but it's always because I foolishly write things on myspace. Where everyone knows me and everyone can know how I'm feeling. Which is really a reason I should like Blogger sooooo much better, because none of you out there really know me, or the people around me, so I can say whatever I want, and not have to worry too much about it.

So onto bigger and better things. Well, maybe not bigger and better, but you get my drift.

I have this paper for my Marriage & Family Sociology class, and at first I chose to do a report on Polygamy. After watching 'Big Love' last year, I really got into finding out more about it. But that presented a problem when I couldn't find any empirical research on the subject. Just interviews and personal opinion pieces. So less than a week before my proposal was due, I had to change subjects. I chose to go with Adult Children of Alcoholics and the way they work through dating, mating, and raising children. That was obviously much easier for me to find actual research on and it's a topic that's close to my heart. Well not heart, more like I keep it close to my butthole. I just wish I could poop it out :) So, now I've finally sat down with my professor and talked about how my paper would be different from the rest of the class, due to the fact that I was a Sociology major, and not just taking the course for a Social Science credit (God I can't wait til Grad school when I don't have to worry about immature 18 year old boozers) But I had a very interesting convo with him. I like him, and would have to say he is my mentor. It's like he understands and he doesn't make me feel at all stupid. He's a great teacher. I just wish that I would be getting his teachings for my Grad school.

I'm ready to take flight. I don't think I can handle my relationship much longer. Not that I can't handle my boyfriend. I really do love him and respect him, but I'm just not happy. It's nothing that he has done, he is a great person, I just think that I need to spread my wings and fly. I've always relationship hopped and cohabitated frequently. I don't think I've ever given myself a chance to heal from any relationship I've had. I don't think I'm a very good person to him nor do I have any interest in sex and it's been almost 3 months. I know he's getting frustrated, but so am I, I just don't want to in general. I just don't want to break his heart. I think he thinks that I am his happily ever after and I just don't think I'm that person. I don't think I want more kids, I don't even know if I want to get married. I know that since I've been in school I've been much more selfish, but I plan on being in school for a few more years (8 probably) and I don't think I can commit myself to this. It will be better for him in the long run. The problem is, is that I don't know how to say anything to him about it. So I've been putting in off for about a month.

I'm so lost, but so focused. It's weird. I've been looking at colleges in Chicago. Primarily Northwestern. I've even looked at apartments. Way cute and not that expensive. And I could be close to my daughter and that's all that really matters.

Snakes on a Motha Fuckin' Plane

Update since December 11, seeing how it's now January 12th, and one of those stupid resolutions I made was to update this more than once a month-- Got my grades. 3.8 for the quarter and I made the President's List. NO not Wubbya's list, but the National Dean's Office or some shit. I got a 4.0 in my Sociology class and my Psych class.

Other than that, things are day to day. Each day I feel differently. I am happy somedays, but most days, it's a seemingly mundane existence. I feel like I need some excitement. I need something to light a fire under my ass. But I'm usually not a huge risk taker. There was only one person that could get the woman in me to come out and that's not really an option anymore.

I got a new job at a local bar. I like it. It's work of course, but I love it so far. It's more my scene than Starbucks was. I'm making pretty good money, so I am finally able to get caught up on some stuff. Speaking of Starbucks, I think I'm boycotting them for a few weeks. For a big chain, and the fact that I used to work there and I know how they feel about customer service an speed, but I am not getting that great of service from the one downtown on my way to class. I stopped by a little local drive-thru coffee hut and got a delicious iced vanilla chai tea. It was a nice treat after gym class.

My daughter informed me that she is still a "Washington Girl" when I asked her if she was rooting for the Bears now that she is living in Chicago. I love that kid. She is brilliant. I can't believe she even payed attention to football, but that is why she can suprise me everyday.

I finally got to shop at a retail store when I got my financial aide. Yay. I got some good deals, b/c I am a big cheapskate, but by far the best was the Columbia winter jacket I got today for $40 bucks from a Craigslist.org posting. Very warm for the very chilly weather.

Goodnight and here's to a good tomorrow. Or something like that.

We Miss You Dad

My father passed away one year ago today and I've been doing alright I suppose.

I just wanted to say that I miss him and thank those of you that left me comforting comments last year. I appreciate all of your thoughts.


Max William Elder
May 17, 1957-December 11, 2006

And the beat goes on....

Things are running smoothly, I suppose.

School's out. I'm waiting for my grades and that's in itself nerve racking, because I'm a perfectionist and always need to have top grades.

Tomorrow is the year anniversary since my Dad passed away, and it's weird. Some moments are better than others, others are gut wrenching, but the show must go on. I know my Dad wouldn't have wanted us to stop our lives. He would have wanted us to live them to their fullest and enjoy life.

I got another new job.

So for the recap of jobs since leaving my casino/poker dealer/waitress/bartending job that I had for two years:

Left Porterhouse mid August 06
Was working at Griffin's Cafe from 6/06 thru 9/06
Started at Starbucks 9/18/06 (I only remember the date because of school starting the same day)
One week ago started waitressing lunch banquets at the local Convention Center
Then just got a new job working as a night bartender at a local bar.

I'm stoked about it though. I am so (I stress the so) behind in my bills. I'm about $1200 in rent alone (thank God, my roommate understands what's going on and he makes pretty good money) I haven't paid my cell in awhile, my storage is over 4 months past due, I have no car insurance, and I depend on my $10 weekly in tips from Starbucks to get me through the week.

Christmas is coming and I can't wait for it to be over. I dislike this time of the year. It just gets depressing. This is my first Christmas without my daughter and it's really weird. I know that it's not the end of the world, but she's my angel.

The first of the year will find me hitting the books. Well actually I will be hitting the treadmill for my first class of the day, but I'm hoping it inspires me to become more active. I'm not unhappy with what I weigh, I just want to be more fit and tone. And I'll getta buy some cute workout clothes :)


And for further measure, I'll post this only as means to remember it:
"So you're saying I've got 10 months to win you back?"