Congratulations Universe. You Win.

Oh, the ole' once a month post. I'm really not doing better at this, but it's always because I foolishly write things on myspace. Where everyone knows me and everyone can know how I'm feeling. Which is really a reason I should like Blogger sooooo much better, because none of you out there really know me, or the people around me, so I can say whatever I want, and not have to worry too much about it.

So onto bigger and better things. Well, maybe not bigger and better, but you get my drift.

I have this paper for my Marriage & Family Sociology class, and at first I chose to do a report on Polygamy. After watching 'Big Love' last year, I really got into finding out more about it. But that presented a problem when I couldn't find any empirical research on the subject. Just interviews and personal opinion pieces. So less than a week before my proposal was due, I had to change subjects. I chose to go with Adult Children of Alcoholics and the way they work through dating, mating, and raising children. That was obviously much easier for me to find actual research on and it's a topic that's close to my heart. Well not heart, more like I keep it close to my butthole. I just wish I could poop it out :) So, now I've finally sat down with my professor and talked about how my paper would be different from the rest of the class, due to the fact that I was a Sociology major, and not just taking the course for a Social Science credit (God I can't wait til Grad school when I don't have to worry about immature 18 year old boozers) But I had a very interesting convo with him. I like him, and would have to say he is my mentor. It's like he understands and he doesn't make me feel at all stupid. He's a great teacher. I just wish that I would be getting his teachings for my Grad school.

I'm ready to take flight. I don't think I can handle my relationship much longer. Not that I can't handle my boyfriend. I really do love him and respect him, but I'm just not happy. It's nothing that he has done, he is a great person, I just think that I need to spread my wings and fly. I've always relationship hopped and cohabitated frequently. I don't think I've ever given myself a chance to heal from any relationship I've had. I don't think I'm a very good person to him nor do I have any interest in sex and it's been almost 3 months. I know he's getting frustrated, but so am I, I just don't want to in general. I just don't want to break his heart. I think he thinks that I am his happily ever after and I just don't think I'm that person. I don't think I want more kids, I don't even know if I want to get married. I know that since I've been in school I've been much more selfish, but I plan on being in school for a few more years (8 probably) and I don't think I can commit myself to this. It will be better for him in the long run. The problem is, is that I don't know how to say anything to him about it. So I've been putting in off for about a month.

I'm so lost, but so focused. It's weird. I've been looking at colleges in Chicago. Primarily Northwestern. I've even looked at apartments. Way cute and not that expensive. And I could be close to my daughter and that's all that really matters.