Where do your run when what your running from is yourself?

I've probably already said that somewhere I'm sure.

But it's a real question, that I need real answers too.

Is it better to go thru life doing what you think is best? Or do you follow your heart? Are you supposed to do what everyone thinks is "the good idea" while being untrue to your heart? I am living my life day in and day out not being honest about what I really want.

But I could never admit that its him I really want. No one would understand that. Everyone would hate me. Everyone would laugh at me.

But he's who I feel in my heart.

As much as I have tried to deny it, it just doesn't go away. I try to move on. I try to make myself believe that it's over. But it's not over for me.

And I don't know what the hell to do.

Oh where art thou?

I know, I know, you are all probably wondering where the hell my crazy little ass has been, but don't be alarmed! I am back! Hahaha

Anyways, so many things have happened to me in the last few months, that I don't even know where to begin.

My Dad passed, as I posted, and it was probably one of the most gut wrenching experiences that has ever happened to me. I have never lost ANYONE close to me, let alone, my own father. I moved in with my (step)mom (She's my REAL mom, even though she may not have given birth to me, she has always been my mom) and my sister. I lived there up until about a month ago and then I moved in with my friend's KC and Bruce, probably based on the fact that I was always here. I mean, always.

I started college. Mostly impart to my Dad. Not that it was his dying wish for me, but we had got into quite a few discussions regarding my furthering my education. A lot of credit to Steve, who pushed me everytime we talked. They both had faith in me to go, so I go. I bit off a little bit more than I could chew, but I'm enjoying it. I'm taking English 101, Sociology, and Religion in America. And it seems I am always doing homework. I just got done with one class and have to go on to another after I finish this post.

Work is um, weird. I have to work with Steve and Chris, whom I have now broken up with. He and I worked out well for awhile, but I hate feeling smothered and I felt smothered. By both of them. And Steve was just my friend. I still care about both of them very much, but even if I had time for either one of them, I wouldn't be very good at the whole relationship thing, just because I am so busy. School, Work, School, Some more School, and then Work, oh and did I mention School?

Khaley is in Chicago with her grandparents. I miss her so much and hate being away from her everyday, but I talk to her everyday. It's still not the same. I will be going to Chicago to visit here soon and then probably moving there after summer quarter. Who knows.

I wish I knew what direction my life was going. I wish I knew where I will end up. Sometimes the story is fun and depressing, but I cheat sometimes and read the last page